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Review – South Park Season 19, Episode 01: “Stunning and Brave”

After the disappointment that was Season 18, South Park returns to its roots and takes on PC culture in one of the most self-aware episodes yet.

Warning: Herein are spoilers for South Park Season 19, episode 01.

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Here is the basic gist of the episode: When Principal Victoria is fired from South Park Elementary (for making a joke about date rape and Bill Cosby), P.C. Principal is hired to take her place. He is a douchebag fraternity bro who pretty much bullies everyone — children and adults — into being politically correct. Nobody is happy about it, but Cartman, the eternal bigot, is the most terrified. He changes his attitude immediately, much to the chagrin, surprisingly, of his friends. Kyle becomes P.C. Principal’s main target, since Kyle was heard saying that he doesn’t consider Caitlin Jenner a hero. Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters beg Cartman to go back to his old ways and take on P.C. Principal, goading him by saying he should act more like his hero, Tom Brady. Cartman gives in, and attempts to frame the principal for child molestation. The principal becomes enraged when Cartman uses the term “spokesman” instead of “spokesperson,” and beats Cartman within an inch of his life, sending him to the hospital. Cartman once again vows never to return to his old ways, but is forced to break that vow in order to save Kyle, who is suffering worse and worse at the hands of the P.C. fraternity. Cartman tries to fight the fraternity off by sending in racial stereotypes, but all this does is cause more chaos. Kyle calls a halt to the madness, and tells everyone he agrees that Caitlin Jenner is “stunning and brave,” as everyone has been saying. This sates everyone around him, and the episode ends with the P.C. fraternity starting their own P.C. police force to oversee the city. Cartman has allegedly taught the P.C. bros that sometimes stereotypes and offensive humor can be used to discuss important issues, but Kyle is still dissatisfied, and points out that it seems that the only one who really won is Cartman. “And who does that remind you of, Kyle?” Cartman asks, referencing the boys’ earlier plea that he act more like Tom Brady.

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“Right, and what does Tom Brady do after breaking the rules?!” -Stan

“Deny and subvert.” -Cartman

Politcal Correctness (shortened as “P.C.”) has been an largely discussed subject lately, particularly by comedians, such as Jerry Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman. It’s only natural that it should be covered by South Park, the show infamous for breaking P.C. code in order to discuss important social issues. In essence, in this episode, Kyle is representative of South Park the show, who has issues with the politically correct state of the world. It’s important to note: Kyle is not a racist, a homophobe, a sexist, or any such thing. He’s actually a very sympathetic character. This drives home the point that Parker and Stone are NOT talking about actual bigots, but average and honest people who have the right to speak their mind, which doesn’t really harm anyone.

“I didn’t like Bruce Jenner when he was and athlete and on the Kardashians, and I don’t suddenly like him now.”

-Kyle

At the end of the episode, it is Cartman using offensive imagery to battle the ultra-P.C. frat boys, but all this does is make things worse. This is to show that two wrongs don’t make a right, and you can’t win by being a bigot, or by playing word police. Kyle is the one who has to make a sacrifice in order to calm things down. He knows he has to choose his battles in this situation, and has decided that this one isn’t worth fighting. He doesn’t want either side to win, so he ends the fight the only way he can think of.

Cartman uses racist stereotypes to fight the P.C. frat boys

Cartman uses racist stereotypes to fight the P.C. frat boys

South Park acknowledges that there is a difference between being a dick and just speaking your mind. Not everyone has to agree on every issue, and disagreement isn’t fair grounds for social conflict. Kyle is stuck in an all-too-real situation where the rest of the world has come to a certain consensus, and if you do not conform to it, you are ostracized. Let’s be very clear on one point: Free speech should be untouchable. At no point should anyone be able to force you to say anything against your will. In the end, for better or worse, it IS Kyle’s choice to do what he does. No one forces him to change his statements, although they tried vehemently throughout the episode: He makes the choice because he believed, in this case, it was the right thing to do.

The dark side of anyone being able to say anything they want is that you will hear from a great number of racists, sexists and homophobes, and their opinions will be treated as valid. This is a different case than Kyle’s: Certain people are out just to be malicious and spread hate and fear. This problem won’t be solved with word policing; it can only be solved with edification. These people must be taught that such beliefs are absurd, and the best way to do that, is through the kind of satire that South Park delivers.

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On the question of where this is going: It does seem that South Park is trying out another continuing story-line that will last all through season 19, much as they did in season 18. However, now they may have had the time to work out the kinks, and figure out where exactly they want to go with this story. The final exchange in this episode between Kyle and Cartman, I feel is a hint: If I had to guess, Cartman has a plan. He’s not done breaking the rules. Something is going on beneath his calm, kind exterior. It looks like this arc will continue, which means that there is plenty more time for the children to take on P.C. culture, and eventually win a victory for freedom of speech and expression.

This season, I’m going to try to review every South Park episode, each week. What were your thoughts on this week’s episode? Do you agree or disagree with my assessment? Comment below. Until next time, lie, cheat, steal, and hug your cats!

Eden H Reviews Spotify’s “Discover Weekly”

So, recently Spotify started doing “Discover Weekly,” wherein, each week, they create a playlist specially designed for you, based on your taste profile, what you listen to, you know, the like. Now, I am notoriously difficult to find new music for. I have broken many a well-meaning friend. But, being a devoted music lover (who has burnt herself out on everything she listens to), I opened my mind and gave it a go. Here’s a quick overview of what they had lined up for me:

MusicThatDoesntSuck

“Spellwork” by Austra – This was almost good, but was actually terrible. Taking influences from edgy, underground music and playing is to a dance beat is not a winning combination, people.

“Cool For Cats” by Squeeze – Spotify giving me Squeeze to listen to is just out of the fucking blue. Maybe they picked up that I love cats and thought I’d like the song on that principle? I don’t know.

“Mouth Breather” by The Jesus Lizard – Here’s how this song was written: “Brah, brah, listen to me shred, brah!” “Oh my god, brah! You’re shreddin’ it!” The end.

“Stars” by Hum – I appreciate your attempt to sound just like the Smashing Pumpkins, but it just didn’t work out, kids.

“Witch” by the bird and the bee – I understand, you’re going for that Goldfrapp/1930s Lounge Singer sound. OK. But these lyrics are TERRIBLE. Also, why does it seem like every time I click on a picture of an Alternative Music band, it’s one skinny dude with a bed head, and one skinny girl with Bettie Bangs? Maybe if you had more band members there would be more of a chance that one of them will stop you from sucking.

sad-hipster

“My Sister” by The Juliana Hatfield Three – I love my sister. I will not listen to your hate, Juliana.

“Promises” by Fugazi – This one makes sense. I like Fugazi in that way that someone who likes the Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat and Black Flag tends to like Fugazi.

“Under Your Skin” by Aesthetic Perfection – You know those friends who tell you, “Oh, you like this band? Then you should listen to this other band, they sound just like that band you like!” and they’re totally fucking wrong? Well, this is one of those. Someone, somewhere, equates this with Marilyn Manson, I’m sure. And they would be wrong.

“We Know Where You Sleep” by The Paper Chase – I don’t listen to rap. Unless someone hacked by account, I have never listened to rap on my Spotify. Why are you playing this for me, Spotify?

“I Luv the Valley of OH!” by Xiu Xiu – This is obviously Hipster music, but all the same, I’m very confused and have no clue if I like this or not. I’m a little bit scared and thinking about calling my friend for consolation now.

“Soma” by The Smashing Pumpkins – Everyone, including Spotify, is determined that I should listen to the Smashing Pumpkins. It’s officially a conspiracy.

“Icarus” by Jason Webley – Now, this one. I know why this one’s on here: It’s because I like Amanda Palmer and Amanda Palmer works with Jason Webley. Let me tell you a funny story about my first introduction to Jason Webley. In December 2010 or 2011, I went to see the Dresden Dolls. I knew nothing about who was opening for them, so when a random hipster got onstage and started testing the mic, I thought, “Okay, he’s a roadie.” So then this guy picks up a FUCKING ACCORDION and starts to sing, stomp, and play a sea shanty. And EVERYONE ELSE in the crowd KNOWS THE SONG and FUCKING SINGS ALONG. Somehow, I am the crazy person in this room for not knowing the words to this SEA SHANTY. A SEA SHANTY. I cannot stress that enough, A SEA SHANTY.

“Mental Hopscotch” by Missing Persons – So, according to Spotify, I either like super underground weird fucking shit, or the Most Mainstream Hits of the 80s?

“Halloween” by AFI – Look, I’m not a fan of The Misfits. But to allow AFI to cover one of their songs is just brutal.

“It’s Not” by Aimee Mann – Actually not bad. I’m guessing Spotify has picked up that I’m a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan (Maybe my playlist called “The Bronze Jukebox” tipped them off? Hmm…). However, every song I’ve heard from her has followed the same pattern: 1) Just an acoustic guitar, solemnly strummed, with sorrowful, understated vocals singing about some love lost. 2) Sweeping strings join in. 3) The drums pick things up, and the song moves into a sort of depressed jaunt. 4) Aimee Mann says something soul-crushingly pessimistic and you go cry yourself to sleep.

“60 Feet Tall” by The Dead Weather – Okay, I like The Dead Weather. I can dig this…

“Mistaken for Strangers” by The National – This is one of those songs that is so middle-of-the-road, so bland, that it is impossible to have any feelings about it whatsoever. It is a void that sucks in all your humanity and turns you into a lifeless, soulless robot-creature. It is neither good nor bad, which somehow makes it a lot worse. I listened hard to try and make out any lyrics, because I knew they were singing words of some kind, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to pay attention to what they are saying. It’s a non-song. It’s evil. It must be stopped. No, but seriously. Have you ever heard a song like that? It may be on the radio, and you heard it and thought, “Okay,” or you heard it on your friend’s iPod, and you could ask your friend about it, and they can’t really tell you anything about it, because THEY ALSO have no feelings about the song, or you heard it in the background of a party scene on your favorite TV show, and you thought, “Is this anybody good?” because it sounds kinda like it could be a band you listen to, and the next day you’re talking about the show with your friend, and you ask them “Hey what was that song playing during the party scene? It sounded familiar, like maybe Pearl Jam or Alice in Chains or Mother Love Bone,” but the answer is NO. NO, it’s not even Stone Temple Pilots! It’s some band that has one song on the radio. They’re basically just filler material for when our collective consciousness that controls the world runs out of unique ideas for bands, so they gave us THE NATIONAL.

It's true.

It’s true.

So that’s about the sum of it. This week? Spotify’s “Discover Weekly” gets about a 2/10. Like, it wasn’t all bands that I hated. Then I would be sure that Spotify was just fucking with me. Maybe next week it’ll be more accurate.

If you guys like this little review, just thumbs-up it, or whatever system WordPress has, or leave a comment and let me know. I might start doing this monthly, if there’s interest.

That’s all for now. Until next time, lie, cheat, steal, and blame it on the talking moose.

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South Park: Even When You Die, La Resistance Lives On

I may not be the only person who felt a tiny pang of panic when I watched South Park‘s Season 18 finale this year. To me, the thing was littered with hints and suggestions that, of all things–

South Park might end.

Season 18’s finale, entitled “#HappyHolograms” was many things, including premature, haphazard, confusing, and, some might say, pandering. Most fans didn’t know what to make of it. I couldn’t tell if it was a massive suck-up fest to the YouTube celebrities, or a veiled and elaborate “Fuck You” to them. One thing seemed clear to me as I watched it, however: It was, if nothing else, an admission of South Park‘s own mortality.

Simulation Ended.

Simulation Ended.

And it had to come sooner or later. I have seen a few favorite shows collapse beneath the weight of their own fame and longevity: The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live seem to only be on out of habit nowadays, for, although their fame has never been greater, the edge has simply been dulled. Rather than embracing the anarchic quality that, to me, is inherent in all good art, these shows now serve and pander to the Pop Culture. What was once Dada is now Pop Art. John Lydon is now Steve Jobs. Kalle Lasn is Stephanie Meyer. Bills Hicks is Carlos Mencia. In other words, instead of being whistle blower against the bullshit of the Pop Culture Machine, they became proponents of it, and all its units.

Having seen it happen to The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live, I should have been on the look-out for the same to happen with South Park. I realized I wasn’t when I saw the latest episode, and it hit me harder than I would have expected. Viewing this episode was a depressing experience. Starting with the fact that it utilized a plot line I had stopped caring about seven episodes ago, the episode continued to put me off by not only an overall lack of many real jokes, but by ostensibly promoting the very things they attest to mock. I wasn’t asking them to condemn YouTubers or anything like that, but damn it, South Park, after almost two decades of enlightening us on how to cut through the bullshit Pop Culture throws at us every day, why have you done such an abrupt about-face to push the bullshit on us? As if you’re saying, “Hey, you know the statements we made over the last 17 years? Yeah, forget it, we don’t really care about it anymore.”

“#HappyHolograms” was seemingly a 21-minute tribute to the continuous de-evolution of Pop Culture, paired with the apparent message of “People would rather watch other people playing video games on YouTube than the intelligent and controversial humor we’ve been fighting for the right to put out for 18 years, but we don’t care, in fact we think that’s a good thing!” (Kyle’s hashtag notwithstanding.) It might as well have ended with everybody holding hands and singing “Que Cera, Cera” together while standing in a pile of pig shit.

The cast of South Park.

The cast of South Park.

South Park Season 18 was the first season to utilize a continuing storyline, with events no longer confined to a single episode, but rather stretching across the entire, ten-episode season. However, there was little pay-off. Many fans complained about the overall lack of jokes and absence of many favorite characters, including the four main characters. These staples were cast aside to make room for confusing tangents involving other, more obscure characters, or celebrity parodies. In sum, the latest season was a chaotic, slap-dash, half-baked attempt at a yet unrealized concept. Perhaps the idea will develop by the time next season comes around, and they’ll give the method another try. But when this season began, and the continuing storyline was first noticed by fans, there was the question: What are they building up to? I still can’t say, but I think I know.

I’m here to tell you that South Park will end, but I’m also here to tell you why it doesn’t matter.

Because, enough about what I hated about season 18. That’s NOT what I’m writing this article for: I’m writing this article because South Park changed my life, and, if you are an artist, or if you’re even just an American, it has changed your life, too, even if you didn’t know it.

Before Adult Swim, before Tosh.0, before Cop Drama uttered the word “shit” on network television, South Park made many blows on behalf of artist’s rights, and often with few supporters to back them up.

I'm looking at YOU, Simpsons! - The Simpsons' reaction to South Park's battle to air a controversial episode featuring the Muslim prophet Muhammed.

I’m looking at YOU, Simpsons! – The Simpsons’ reaction to South Park’s battle to air a controversial episode featuring the Muslim prophet Muhammed.

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut was, and still is, the greatest statement on artistic freedom versus censorship to be committed to (crudely animated) film. The movie manages to be a commentary on itself, discussing a situation as it is creating it. It may be easy to forget now, but the film was a groundbreaking work in many ways, stirring much controversy, but largely receiving support and critical accolades. It was a commitment and a testament: “This is what we believe, and we are standing by it, whether you’re with us or not.” You have to be ready for battle when you’re putting out content like this: Songs built around phrases like “Uncle Fucker,” a child smoking and calling God a bastard, bloody onscreen violence, and obvious blows against proponents of censorship. (I still am not able to believe that, to this day, I still hear about the “obscene” and “disgusting” proliferation of fart jokes in South Park, but absolutely not a word on the fact that they have a cut-out of Saddam Hussein in a homosexual relationship with Satan, Prince of Darkness. Seriously.)

The kids of South Park leading La Resistance against censorship.

The kids of South Park leading La Resistance against censorship.

Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won’t obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse

Should we blame the government?
Or blame society?
Or should we blame the images on TV?

-“Blame Canada” (Shaiman/Parker)

South Park made enormous headway for future television shows, particularly in the world of animation. The fact is that creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone stood up and fought for the right to artistic freedom from censorship, which benefited more people than had rallied to their side during the battle, and they did it simply because they had a right to it. I’m well-aware that every episode of South Park has not been a brilliant rallying cry for the forces of anarchy and freedom, but in a way it has, as each episode has been a perfect depiction of Parker and Stone doing whatever the fuck they want. Even that damn “Lice-capades” episode falls into that category.

Pictured: Matt Stone and Trey Parker doing whatever the fuck they want.

Pictured: Matt Stone and Trey Parker doing whatever the fuck they want.

I guess my point is this: South Park is starting to look weak nowadays. And it breaks my heart because I love the show and I can really say it has made my life better. It changed the world for artists, and for everyone. But no one is meant to carry the torch forever: Everything ends eventually, and, whether this season is a death knell or just a bump in the road, South Park will end, too, one day. So what do we do now that it’s ending?

It’s simple: Though you die, La Resistance lives on. Here’s how:

You must remember this.

South Park taught us that we have a right to artistic freedom from censorship.

South Park taught us that just because everyone tells you something is cool, it doesn’t mean that it’s true.

South Park taught us that just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you know best.

South Park taught us that every human being and every organization is capable of making complete asses of themselves (some more than others).

South Park taught us to tolerate and love others, while not being so tolerant that we make ourselves blind to potential bullshit.

South Park taught us that whether you’re a disabled child, a Catholic, a Goth Kid, a Trekkie, a Feminist, a Jew, a Racial Minority, a Homosexual, an Elderly Person, an Atheist, a Transgender, a Policeman, a Christian, or anything else I haven’t thought of, you are a human being, deserving of sympathy and capable of mistakes, but also responsible for your actions, your actions, so don’t be asinine, cruel, or corrupt, and stand up for what you believe in.

In the end, it’s not what happens to the things we love that matters, because ultimately, everything dies: What’s important is what you do with the things you learned.

Affirmative Thoughts

feminismo

Things that help me, as a modern feminist-artist-anarchist, keep going: The fact that, with an independently-produced zine, Bikini Kill revitalized the Feminist movement after it had been declared “dead” by the mainstream media. The fact that Tori Amos still has a career, after many people told her it was over. The existence of Stevie Nicks. Laura Dern’s performance in Inland Empire, and her over-all awesomeness. The fact that, after suffering through several “sexploitation” films, Sherilyn Fenn chose to write it into her contract that she would not do sex scenes: Though this arguably killed her career, she speaks in interviews about how it has not hurt her happiness in the least, and it is undeniable that she will always be remembered and revered for her amazing and iconic character Audrey Horne, who managed to defy the Virgin/Whore dichotomy. The eternal brilliance of Vivien Leigh’s performances. The fact that Mary Pickford is memorialized by the Pickford Center for Motion Picture Study. The fact that Amanda Palmer did punk rock on a piano, and notoriously played so hard that she repeatedly broke piano strings. Tina Fey’s career in general. The way the Kinderwhore style challenged peoples’ expectations of women in music. So did Patti Smith.

Twin Peaks: Picking Up the Missing Pieces

The Cast of Twin Peaks

As you’ve no doubt heard by now, Showtime has signed Twin Peaks co-creators David Lynch and Mark Frost to resurrect their groundbreaking series for 2016, leaving Twin Peaks’ amazingly loyal fanbase in a state of revelry. So, now that we’ve finally gotten what we wanted, the question on everybody’s mind is just how it will be done.

There has been much speculation going on, as Mark Frost has been reluctant to say much of anything in interviews (which is understandable–don’t count your eggs until they’re hatched), leaving us fans to hypothesize, make educated guesses, or just plain make up what we might see in the long-awaited season three of Twin Peaks. So let’s go character-by-character and look at some of these ideas, shall we?

(Incidentally, need I say it? Major spoilers for those who haven’t seen Twin Peaks or Fire Walk With Me.)

Special Agent Dale Cooper This is the one everybody wants to know about. Whether you give us the conclusion to any other story, so long as you give us a satisfactory answer to WHAT HAPPENED TO DALE COOPER, we will be happy. It seems like actor Kyle MacLachlan has signed on to reprise the character, so chances are good that we will finally get what we’ve been waiting for. But as for what that could entail, well, theories abound.
One hypothesis is that BOB, thrilled to have taken possession of a government agent, used his host to commit crimes on a political level which, I assume, means he is now the President of the United States in the Twin Peaks universe. Another idea is that Cooper, with nothing else to do while trapped in the Lodge for 25 Earth years, decides that his only hope of escaping lies within the mysteries of meditation. He essentially meditates himself to enlightenment and uses his new psychic abilities to utilize the Lodge to do good, basically becoming an agent of the White Lodge. What crossed my mind is that BOB wouldn’t get very far pretending to be Cooper, because too many Twin Peaks residents (particularly Sheriff Truman and Audrey Horne) would smell that something was fishy besides the coffee and uncover the truth, which would probably land Cooper in a mental ward, at least until the whole unpleasantness was sorted out (more on that later).
If, on the other hand, you believe that BOB really could fool the whole town, or even the government, there is potential for quite an interesting rampage, which could just give the Good Dale more emotional impetus to stop BOB and right the wrongs committed using his own body.
(Also, yes, there is another thing to note while we’re here: The Dale Cooper that we see at the end of Twin Peaks is technically the Evil Dale, since Good Dale is trapped in the Lodge, according to Annie Blackburn. What that really means, however, is anyone’s guess. [Is it the same body? So that means BOB actually possessed an Evil being? Does that make him doubly Evil?])

Sheriff Harry S. Truman As far as fan speculation goes, it’s not looking so good for Sheriff Truman. Most people expect that he will have retired from the police force and has turned into a drunken recluse, haunted by the guilt of what happened the night Good Dale disappeared, as well as the death of his beloved Josie Packard. It would be interesting to see this, and to see him turn himself around again once the action starts to pick up, and possibly mentor the next generation of Bookhouse Boys. One does have to allow for the possibility though, that Harry just plum picked himself up and went on with life, and now has a wife and two or three kids.
No word on Michael Ontkean and whether or not he’s interested in returning. If he doesn’t, we’ll of course be very sad: His friendship with Cooper was one of the cornerstones of Twin Peaks, and as far as characters go, Harry has more motivation than most to save Cooper and stop BOB. It’ll be a missed opportunity if we don’t get to see his character take on some kind of role in the new season, but, if Ontkean doesn’t sign on, there are ways to get around it.

Audrey Horne Something that intrigued me was one fan’s insistent assumption that Audrey had to have kids by now. And that is of course possible. One thought that did cross my mind after watching the final episode of Twin Peaks was that Audrey would wake up in the hospital and find out she was pregnant, because, unless John Justice Wheeler had some condoms kicking around in that plane of his, he and Ms Horne had unprotected sex. Something much more interesting to me, though, would be that Audrey followed through with her dream of becoming an FBI agent, and is now the savvy, intuitive detective, trying desperately to find out what really happened to the Good Dale.
And YES, he romance with Cooper absolutely needs to be revisited, now that the story is free from outside meddling, and Audrey no longer has the stigma of being a high school student. Along with Sheriff Truman, Audrey was one of Cooper’s strongest relationships in the show, and helped to keep the fans interested. Her tacked-on romance with John Wheeler? Let’s hope that we never have to hear about it again.
And finally, there is a repeatedly revisited idea which tells of Audrey inheriting her father’s business, which is highly probable. Opinions vary on whether or not she would be corrupted like her father was, or maintain her integrity and use her new power to help make the town a better place. There is also the possibility of Audrey being off doing one thing, (such as being in the FBI,) while she has someone else hired to run the Horne industry.

“Big” Ed Hurley Where is Everett McGill? Seems like we haven’t gotten an answer on that one yet. David Lynch was looking for him, even asking his Twitter followers to help find him. No word on whether or not the search has proved fruitful. This was actually one of the early signs that life was stirring in Twin Peaks once more: Lynch must be looking for him for some reason. Fans give this varying degrees of importance, one of the more extreme ideas being that the story actually centers around “Big” Ed Hurley, or that the character somehow plays an integral part in the story. It might actually be interesting to play on the search for Everett McGill within the series by including a search for Big Ed as a story element.
In the original two seasons, Ed was mostly important as a Bookhouse Boy, and Norma Jennings’s love interest, despite legally being the husband of Nadine “Where Are My Drape Runners” Hurley. He was also James’s uncle, since James’s mother, Big Ed’s sister, was notoriously absent. The storyline about James’s mother being a drunken writer who slept around was introduced, then dropped like a hot potato. There might have been potential in this storyline back during the original run, but by now too much time has gone by and other mysteries have taken precedence. Unless Lynch can pull something miraculous out of his sleeve (and I wouldn’t put it past him), it would be hard to make fans interested in James’s mother again.
Where is Everett McGill? Hopefully we’ll get an answer to that mystery by the time season 3 rolls around.

Josie Packard (and her sister Judy) Possibly one of the least-mentioned characters when the subject of a Twin Peaks revival comes up, Josie’s storylines ranged from confusing to incredibly confusing. If you could keep track of her dealings with the Packards, Hornes and Thomas Eckhardt, then you had to sort out really why the fuck she shot Cooper (a mystery we’d all been dying to hear the answer for and could barely even react when we were finally given the answer), and THEN deduce why she is trapped in the “drawer pull knob.” This long, confusing arc led plenty of fans to shy away from the character, which, to me, seemed to hold much unrealized potential. While far from my favorite (really, what the fuck was with those story arcs?), the character of Josie abounds with hints and false starts that suggested she had plenty to do in Twin Peaks, while none of it was ever realized.
For starters, the character of Josie was originally Giovanna, an Italian, and was slated to be played by Isabella Rosselini (of Blue Velvet fame) back when she and David Lynch were dating. The relationship went south, and she dropped out of the project. Giovanna was rewritten as Josie, a Chinese woman, but this bit of back story explains why Josie always seemed to have a larger importance than we were ever shown. Josie also wound up with a pretty harsh deal of an open end: Getting trapped in a drawer pull knob after BOB kills her with fear (I guess?). It is suggested that her ghost now inhabits the wood in the Great Northern Hotel (Pete mentions he can see her face), and a cut scene in the final episode would have shown Josie wandering the Black Lodge. As if that’s not enough to give the character potential for a revival, there’s Judy. But we’re not going to talk about Judy.
Or, let’s talk about her a little. The famously confusing line, uttered by David Bowie (playing long-lost FBI agent Philip Jeffries), “Well now, I’m not gonna talk about Judy. In fact, we’re not gonna talk about Judy at all. We’re gonna keep her out of it..” No one but Lynch and Frost know for sure, but studying of early drafts of Twin peaks: Fire Walk With Me give us the idea that Judy is Josie’s sister, and she is in Buenos Aires waiting for Jeffries, along with Josie (or at least part of her), and, Frost suggested, Windom Earle. Judy seems to have tipped Jeffries off to the location of another Glastonbury Grove-type portal to the Black Lodge, located in Buenos Aires, and she also seems to have received a visit from her sister Josie, who’s (partly?) trapped in the Lodge (time works strangely in the Lodge: These events are prior to Laura’s murder, but Josie seems to already be dead). Judy’s name recurs even in the heavily altered script, suggesting that Lynch always had it in his head that Judy was important. There’s enough speculation about Judy to fill three articles, but for now let’s leave it at this: While Judy was mostly edited out of the final script for FWWM due mainly to time constraints, there would be room to explore the character in season 3.

Catherine Martell Not much speculation on Catherine, who would now be a widow (while Pete’s original fate would have been debatable, actor Jack Nance passed away, leaving Pete’s fate rather unquestionable). Somewhere I heard it suggested that she and Audrey are actually working together, although Catherine would have to be quite a changed woman to be willing to work amicably with was business rival like Ben Horne’s daughter. The bank explosion that killed her husband and brother most likely spared Audrey, which, if anything, might lead to sore feelings on Catherine’s part.
Piper Laurie was one of the veterans Twin Peaks picked up, along with Russ Tamblyn and Richard Beymer, so Twin Peaks wasn’t her defining role (she’s probably best remembered for playing Carrie’s mom in Carrie). It’s debatable whether Laurie would be interested in reprising the role, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Norma Jennings One of the many things we were hoping for and were denied at the end of Twin Peaks was a happy ending for mixed-up lovers Ed and Norma. Norma, without whom we would not have the damn fine cherry pie, was mostly relegated to being a background player, and even when attempts were made to give her character interesting things to do in the forefront, it just didn’t work out. She was most interesting for her romantic problems, namely being in love with Big Ed, while married to criminal Hank Jennings. Her most important role, really, was as owner of the Double R Diner, which was a key setting in the show. When Twin Peaks is revisited, the Double R Diner will have to come up (Is it still there? Does Norma still own it? If not, who does? Shelly?). I still want a happy ending for Norma and Ed, but it wouldn’t play a large role in the 9-episode season.

Leo Johnson One thing Lynch inexplicably cut out of the script for the final episode was the conclusion of Leo Johnson’s story arc, which left him stuck in Windom Earle’s booby trap (featuring hilariously fake “giant” black widows). The original draft of the script doesn’t make things look any better for Leo, as he would have eventually triggered the trap. This is for better or worse: Leo’s harsh experience being enslaved by Windom Earle might have finally taught him something about being a decent person. When he frees Major Briggs, he tells Briggs to find Shelly, whose life may be in danger. Judging by this, Leo, who we all originally thought killed Laura Palmer, may have been on his way to redeeming himself. Where would he be now? Probably still a trucker, or maybe he works at the mill now (providing it was rebuilt, of course). There is of course the possibility that Leo was supposed to have died from the “black widow” bites, which would free Shelly legally to marry Bobby, but close his arc off for sure (unless of course he also got trapped in the Black Lodge).

Shelly Johnson and Bobby Briggs Most likely, one way or another, Shelly and Bobby would be married. Shelly might own the Double R Diner, or be part of the next generation of Twin Peaks’ stay-at-home moms. As for Bobby, he probably redeemed himself for years of juvenile delinquency by becoming the Sheriff and/or a Bookhouse Boy. One thing I am a little curious about, though, is whatever happened to Bobby killing a guy? It seemed like it was never given adequate attention. Maybe that comes back to haunt him at some point. Bobby would also most likely be interested in his late father’s work, as he never got to know about it. There’s potential for a storyline in which Bobby discovers some classified documents once belonging to his father, which reveals pertinent information about the Lodges.

Major Briggs When Twin Peaks‘ second season was nearing its close, writers were scrambling to keep the network interested, writing up ideas for a third season. One of these told how Major Briggs led a raid on the Black Lodge and rescued the Good Dale. However, in the 25 years since then, actor Don Davis passed away, leaving this story up in the air. A good way to keep the basic idea would be to have Bobby, now the Sheriff/Bookhouse Boy, lead the raid in his father’s stead. Major Briggs was definitely a key character in the series, and his role would have to be filled by someone.

Special Agent Chester Desmond and Agent Sam Stanley Not much to say in this regard, except we’re still wondering what in the hell happened to them, but it’s unlikely either of the roles will be revitalized. The most we can hope for is a brief reference to them being trapped in the Black Lodge. Or long dead. Or both.

Dr. Lawrence Jacoby One of the last times we saw Dr Jacoby, he was counseling Nadine, who was still under the delusion that she was in high school. Once the truth was revealed, he was probably stuck with the job of counseling all five of the parties involved (Nadine, Norma, Ed, Hank, and even Mike). Over the 25 years since that happened, it’s really doubtful that the residents of Twin Peaks have stopped having mental problems, and, in my mind, a return by Russ Tamblyn is not unlikely. Another possibility? He retired to Hawaii.

Sarah Palmer One of the most interesting and underrated characters, to me, is Sarah Palmer. Being the survivor of her husband, daughter and niece, Sarah was dealt a pretty bad hand of cards. Last we saw, she was delivering a psychic message to Major Briggs from Windom Earle, telling him that Earle and Cooper were in the Black Lodge. I could see Sarah, 25 years later, now a recluse, and thought of as a witch by Twin Peaks’ younger residents. Her ability to psychically communicate with the Lodge makes her an invaluable player, and Grace Zabriskie has reprised her role as Sarah Palmer in the “Between Two Worlds” BluRay extra, as well as appearing in David Lynch’s most recent feature film, Inland Empire in 2007, where she played, arguably, a woman bringing a message from otherworldly beings to the protagonist.

Annie Blackburn One of the least interesting possibilities to me is that of Annie Blackburn’s return. The most interesting thing about this character was the fact that it told us that Norma’s maiden name was Blackburn. Beyond that, the character always fell rather flat to me. Personal dislike aside, the possibility occurred to me that Annie was scarred by the Black Lodge in more ways than one. In FWWM, Annie appears in a psychic vision to Laura, telling her that “The Good Dale is trapped” in the Black Lodge. The recently revealed deleted scene meant to be at the end of the movie shows Annie repeating her message, this time while lying in a hospital bed. She is also wearing the ring bearing the “Owl Cave” sigil, which most likely marked her for murder by BOB (since BOB killed both women known to have worn the ring, and Agent Desmond disappeared after picking it up). However, the nurse steals the ring from Annie and puts it on herself, inadvertently sealing her own demise. Also, if the Evil Cooper is on the loose, then that spells bad things for Annie, who would probably be the first victim if Evil Cooper/BOB were to go on a killing spree in town. Another possibility, which chills me in more ways than one: Annie turns out to be pregnant by Dale, and is tricked by the Evil Cooper. The two get married, she has the baby, and the whole Leland/Sarah/Laura story replays itself.

Hank Jennings Last we see Hank, Norma has left him in a jail cell to rot. And rightly so. While redemption plays a noticeable role in Twin Peaks, Hank Jennings showed no signs of turning over a new leaf. He most likely went back to prison, and hopefully never got out this time.

Benjamin Horne and Doc Hayward Because of the final scene, the fate of both Doc Hayward and Benjamin Horne are inextricably linked. There is much speculation as to whether the blow to the head killed Ben, or whether he would have woken up, and if he woke up, might he be back to his former, wicked self? While this does seem to be a rapid backpedaling from a redemption that took a long time to initiate, it is probable, or at least it was 25 years ago. Now, the story might be different. Richard Beymer is still alive a presumably able to return to the role should Ben Horne still be alive. He may still be running Horne industries, using it for good or for evil, or might have retired to allow Audrey to run it. Perhaps in his retirement he found Buddhism and is working his way toward enlightenment, as was suggested by one of the last few episodes of season 2. Alternatively, he may still be running Horne industries, allowing Audrey to go off and have other adventures.
The last storyline Ben is featured in is where Donna Hayward’s true parentage is discovered, making her the half-sister of Audrey. After recovering from his concussion, if Ben was still on his journey to become a better person, he probably continued to try to make amends to Eileen Hayward, and build a relationship with Donna, much to Doc Hayward’s chagrin. On the other hand, if Ben recovered and was back to his nasty former self, this could spell ruin for Doc: Ben might have sued him for battery, or even attempted murder. Being wealthy and powerful, Ben could have destroyed Doc’s life and career. One theory was that Eileen ends up leaving Doc for Ben, but that is unlikely, considering they would have to address what happens to Ben’s wife, Sylvia.

Deputy Tommy “Hawk” Hill One of my personal favorites in the police department, Hawk provided interesting input using Native American lore, which the story of Twin Peaks is tied to. His knowledge of this lore makes him a valuable member of the cast, as he even knows how one must navigate through the Lodge, and could help with the previously mentioned raid on the Black Lodge.

Philip Michael Gerard a.k.a. the One-Armed Man, or MIKE One of the most enigmatic characters in the series, MIKE the One-Armed Man has never had his motives or goals fully explained. While he at first seems to be helpful and honestly trying to help Cooper stop BOB, his true nature is called into question when one witnesses his actions in FWWM, where he insists on giving Laura the dreaded ring bearing the “Owl Cave” insignia. He may be using Cooper as a front to get his revenge on BOB for stealing his garmonbozia. His character was basically forgotten in the series after Maddy is killed. Al Strobel who portrayed him is now retired, but if he was to return to the role, even as a cameo, it would provide an intriguing opportunity to further explore MIKE’s motivations.

Laura Palmer/Maddy Fergusson While Sheryl Lee portrayed Laura Palmer once again in the featurette “Between Two Worlds,” it is difficult to say how she could fit into season 3, except as a mysteriously aged ghost. A nice excuse to have her return to the cast would be to have her play another relative of Laura’s, but beyond that, it would be a mystery, especially since Sheryl Lee is probably one of the most-wanted and most-likely to return.

Gordon Cole Who wouldn’t want to see David Lynch revive this character? He would still probably be the regional director over Cooper, although the return of the character might seem too much like a gag used to pander to the fans. If he is used, however, he would definitely have more than enough to deal with in the past 25 years, what with three missing agents and one possessed agent on his hands. Cole might even get into the field more, providing Lynch wanted to do it.

Nadine Hurley The big question with this character would be whether or not she and Big Ed stayed together, or if they divorced so that he could be with Norma. Nadine never really provided much to the storyline of Twin Peaks, so her involvement in season 3 is completely optional, and I don’t see much for her to do, since there never really was much for her to do in the first place.

Margaret Lanterman a.k.a. the Log Lady (and her Log) Season 3 has to have the Log Lady. It would be a massive error to leave her out. Luckily, it’s unlikely that she won’t be involved, as the character is one of the most memorable aspects of the show and Catherine Coulson has been a long-time friend of David Lynch, going back to his film school days (She’s to thank for that Eraserhead hair, by the way). The Log Lady would probably fulfill the same purpose she did in the first two seasons, providing obscure but pertinent clues. We might even get to learn more about her husband, whose spirit seems to go back and forth between the Log and the Black Lodge, or exist simultaneously in both places, like Josie’s apparently does. It will also be a relief to see her again, after witnessing that final, ominous Log Lady intro Lynch wrote up for the last episode. She is probably more well-suited to deal with the Dugpas of the Lodge than most, as her Log seems to keep her connected to the other world, through whisperings of knowledge. The Log Lady, like Sarah Palmer, is a medium, and in a situation like this, you can never have too many of those to go around.

Windom Earle So what became of Windom Earle after BOB took his soul? Is he now a servant of BOB, gathering garmonbozia on his behalf? Does he fill the same role that MIKE once did, as BOB’s partner? Or is he now just a lost soul, wandering the Lodge hopelessly? Has he met up with Cooper? Did they resolve their conflict and work together to find a way out? Did Windom Earle himself find a way out, before Cooper? And, if so, after his experiences, has he changed? Or is he still as evil as ever?

Lana Budding Milford Truly the most pointless character in the series, there is absolutely no reason for the character to return, even if she and her husband got busy, or she left him for Dick, and she is now a homemaker. That’s literally the most interesting thing she could have done, and so, she’s at the absolute bottom of the list of people we need to bring back. Robyn Lively is most likely available for a return, as she was there for the Psych reunion.

Harold Smith I’m sad that this character is dead, because it would have been interesting to see him return. It might be possible for him to be a denizen of the Lodge now, but since his primary role was guy-who-had-Laura’s-secret-diary, I doubt there would be much call for him to return.

John Justice Wheeler This character appeared in the dark, confusing time in Twin Peaks history that was the end of the second season. I would really rather that he not be mentioned again, and hopefully Billy Zane will declare himself too busy to reprise the role should he be asked. There are definitely loose ends to tie up, such as the mysterious murder of his friend somewhere in South America (I could not find a reference for this part on the internet. That’s how uninteresting it is.), which may or may not be involved with the Black Lodge (another portal, maybe). The possibility of Audrey having gotten pregnant from him is also there, although so is the high likelihood of miscarriage due to the whole bank explosion thing.

Deputy Andy Brennan and Lucy Morann Most likely, Lucy and Andy got married and raised their baby together. That baby is now 25-years-old and ready to be a main player in season 3, should Lynch and Frost will it. Boy or girl, s/he could have gotten involved with the police department, becoming a deputy.

Special Agent Philip Jeffries He’s still probably not gonna talk about Judy, but it would definitely be interesting to see David Bowie revitalize that bizarre role.

Dennis/Denise Bryson This one seems to be a fan favorite minor character. Tons of fans are hoping that David Duchovny of X-Files fame will once again put on a dress and tights as Dennis/Denise Bryson. I would like to see him again, and the activities the FBI could be involved with in season 3 are abundant, so there’s no lack of things for him to do: Search for Good Dale, apprehend Evil Dale, search for Windom Earle or one of the three other missing agents. Or he could just be in town for some fun. At least give us a cameo, Davids.

Donna Hayward and Jame Hurley Here’s one of the biggest debates among fans: Donna and James. While there seems to be a consensus that they should return, most fans have turned against Lara Flynn Boyle, leaving Moira Kelly as the favored actress to play the role. As for James, he might be a lot more interesting now as an aged biker dude with some time on the road behind him. I would like to see James finally return to the Roadhouse, and surprise Donna. Beyond that, there are plenty of variations being tossed around by fans. By some, James is viewed as a character whose incredible importance was never realized due to cancellation, as they claim that he represented the pure-hearted love in Twin Peaks. When he left, the door was left wide open for more evil to seep in. Or so the theory goes. One of the main problems people had with James was that he didn’t do much other than whine, and I concur. But I can see James returning as a bona fide badass, ready to help out with the raid on the Black Lodge. Of course, he could also have returned to Twin Peaks sometime during the 25-year interval, married Donna, and had kids. Which would be much less interesting in my mind, although it would help provide a fresh cast of kids from season 3.
So what about Donna? Well, the character and actresses bring up some strong and mixed feelings for fans. I personally would rather see her moved out of the focal point and, if necessary, her role can be filled by one of her younger sisters. Otherwise, James returns, sweeps her off her feet, and they both become more interesting characters. Other than that? What has happened to her in the last 25 years? Well, maybe she married Mike, had kids, got jaded, and now she’s a bitter single mother. That could be interesting. In the original series, James and Donna were there to represent the purity and innocence that lived in Twin Peaks, to juxtapose with the horror and despair flooding out of the Lodge. Even if their roles change in season 3, there would have to at least be a nod to that original concept. Maybe the reunion of James and Donna signifies the beginning of true healing for the community of Twin Peaks, and things begin to return to purity and kindness. James Marshall seems interested in returning to Twin Peaks, and even offered his thoughts on what’s been happening with James Hurley in the years since the show’s cancellation. No word on either Moira Kelly or Lara Flynn Boyle, however.
Or, James could have settled down somewhere, Donna went to meet him, and they settled down and had a family elsewhere. That’s also a possibility.

Leland Palmer and Killer BOB Now here’s another one up for debate. Ray Wise is almost DEFINITELY returning for season 3; he was basically promised by Lynch himself that they would “find a way around” the fact that Leland Palmer is dead. Some fans have theorized that Leland’s restless spirit is now the new BOB, terrorizing the town. And while that’s possible, that sounds like a pretty harsh deal for Leland, who was really a victim himself. In my mind, Leland could replace some other character as a Lodge denizen, conversing with Cooper and other visitors, giving them clues and such. Alternatively, he could play Leland’s brother (it wouldn’t be Maddy’s father, though: Maddy is probably from Sarah’s side of the family). However they pull it off, we are getting Ray Wise, and fans are rejoicing for that.

DIANE Interestingly enough, I’ve heard quite a bit of speculation on Diane, Cooper’s notoriously unseen assistant, and receiver of all those tapes he records over the course of the series. When rumors started milling about Lynch working on a project with Laura Dern, some fans threw out the idea that Dern could play Diane. Perhaps she could come to Twin Peaks in search of Cooper, or maybe she’s with Gordon Cole, helping him go through Coop’s notes to uncover the mystery. It would be pretty awesome if Dern was cast as Diane, and she played a role in saving Cooper. After her seminal performance in Inland Empire, Dern has proved that she can traverse dimensions and face demonic forces in her own right. It would also provide a reunion for MacLachlan and Dern, who worked together along with David Lynch on Blue Velvet, a story which is considered to be a sort of prototype for Twin Peaks.

Whew. Well, there you have it: Virtually every character (sans Pete Martell, may he rest in peace) in Twin Peaks, and all the theories that have circulated about their involvement in the upcoming season 3. Of course, we won’t know for sure until the show is out in 2016, so until then, enjoy some damn good coffee, some fine cherry pie, and enjoy the first two seasons (and the movie)!

In Case You Forgot, Date Rape Isn’t a Good Thing (or, Miley Cyrus, Please Fuck Off and Disappear)

So it has unfortunately come to my attention that Miley Cyrus is being painted as the new Feminist Rock Starlet Icon. Because, apparently, humanity has the memory span of a gold fish. In case you are one of the many who apparently forgot, here is something she said onstage during a performance:

“You know, everyone’s a little bit gay,” she told the crowd. “It’s the truth. Everyone’s gay, all it takes is one cocktail. And if that doesn’t work, sprinkle something in their drink. That’s what I always do.” (Source: http://www.theguardian.com/music/2014/may/12/miley-cyrus-date-rape-gay )

Is this the most ass-backwards attempt to champion tolerance of gay culture, or what? You know, you’re ALSO a woman, so you should be a little more understanding and sympathetic towards a plight that countless women have suffered. Even if you WEREN’T a woman, that comment is cold-hearted, and promotes Rape Culture.
Oh yeah, Rape Culture: I forgot, it’s the in-thing this season. Which leads me to another point about this comment: It’s COOL to joke about rape. When and why did this happen? Fuck if I know. But a pop star like Cyrus making a comment like that is a sad and desperate attempt to 1)draw attention, 2)seem edgy, and 3)be part of the masses, who think it’s hip and funny to joke about rape. That’s called rape culture, kids, and I don’t think you would think it’s so fucking cool and funny if it happened to you.
The next point I need to make is the most difficult one, as many people have a hard time discerning the difference between these two: Sexual Liberation and Self-Exploitation. Yes, there’s a difference, and yes, one is good, and one is bad. When you are sexually liberated, it’s a good and beautiful thing. It’s POWERFUL. It gives you and millions of sexually oppressed individuals MORE POWER AND FREEDOM. Every time someone breaks the bonds of sexual oppression, you are encouraging others to say, “Fuck you, I’m not going to be ashamed of my body or my sexuality.” Tori Amos did this in many ways, by singing about masturbation, talking openly about her experience with rape, and the sexual way she moves at her piano. “Cherry Bomb” by the Runaways is often considered to be an anthem of female sexual liberation with its verse of “Down the street I’m the girl next door/I’m the fox you’ve been waiting for.” And you know what? They didn’t do that shit to be cool, either; in fact, women like this often received harsh criticism (see also: slut shaming) for making such bold statements of sexual freedom. This is what we need more of. I’m all for women being able to sing, write and talk about their pussies, their periods, or anything else the world tries to tell us is “taboo.”
Now that I’ve explained that to you, let me elucidate on Self-Exploitation. For those keeping track, this is the “bad” one I was speaking of earlier. Using Punk as an example, but without getting too deep into Punk Politics, let me give you some quick keys so we can discuss this: Once Punk is sold at your local Hot Topic, it is no longer truly Punk, because it no longer holds to the ideals that define Punk. Got that? OK, now let me say this: Sexual Liberation is like Punk, and Self-Exploitation is like Hot Topic. Still following? Good. Let’s continue.
MANY Pop Stars have gone onstage declaring themselves to be sexually liberated. Maybe they believe it, maybe they know it’s BS, but in reality, in the mainstream world of the Celebrity Star-Making Machine, their sexuality has actually been co-opted by the higher ups: Record Label Executives or Agents who told them “Maybe you’d sell more albums/get more movie roles if you sex it up a bit.” Guess what? Sex sells. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But the media KNOWS that it sells, and has been using this against the public for as far back as there’s been advertising. To sexually liberate yourself is an act that helps the greater good, but here’s the thing: Britney Spears (see also: Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Lady GaGa, Jessica/Ashley Simpson, etc, etc…) shaking her scantily clad ass into the camera just to sell you Pepsi is not done for the greater good. That’s not sexual liberation: That’s you selling your body and your sexuality to a corporation and letting them use it for their means. It doesn’t benefit you, your fans, or humanity: It only benefits the corporation who you brainwash people into buying products from. Actually, I forgot: It DOES land the “performer” a few million dollars, and I’m sure their Maserati was getting a little outdated…
My conclusion: Miley Cyrus is not a feminist. She is not a sexually liberated woman. She’s a corporate shill. As the media knows by now, sensationalism sells: If you don’t believe me, have a look at Lady GaGa or Nicki Minaj. Now do you see what I mean? So the corporations are more than THRILLED to have an ex-Disney Pusher acting so outrageously, because outrageous is going to sell more product. And too many people are more than thrilled to make the trade, selling themselves to corporations in exchange for fame and money (see also: attention-starved, narcissism, etc, etc, etc…). The fact that the Kardashians have their own show (and the existence of E! Television in general) is proof enough of this.
By the way, Kathleen Hanna: Fucking shame on you for allying yourself with Miley Cyrus. You’ve spent your life advocating feminism, and women working together for a common good, and Miley Cyrus has spent her (albiet shorter) life decimating these ideals. From joking about date rape, to shit-talking Sinead O’Connor for trying to give some kindly, empirical advice, Cyrus is nothing but a spoiled brat who wants to jump on every bandwagon that drives by, and expects to be treated like a goddess on each one. Kathleen, maybe before you ran to Cyrus’s side, you could have stood up for Sinead O’Connor. I would have respected that.

“Well Who’s to Say…?”

Today I saw a shirt that said, “I’m not lazy, I just really like doing nothing.” We see that and laugh; it’s cute, it’s funny, we’ve got more important stuff to do. And honestly something that stupid shouldn’t be given merit. Except for the fact that it is being given merit because it’s on a goddamn t-shirt.

“Well, if you think about it, we’re ALL narcissists for making choices to keep ourselves alive…” That’s another thing I read today. Oh please, really? Where were you educated? I’m tired of this absurd “logic” or lack-thereof that states “Well who’s to say a wheel is round/a rock is hard/chickens are chickens/garbage is smelly/pink is pink? Maybe a wheel can be flat/a rock can be fluffy/chickens can be moose/garbage is potpourri/pink can be green?” One thing does not equal another just because you want it to. For the love of fuck, please, if people keep talking like this it’s gonna drive me out of my damn mind. Everyone’s reality is not defined by your terms. You are going to perceive things differently from someone else. That’s how it’s gonna be. Don’t try to convince them that your perception is true by saying “nothing is anything and everything can be everything.” I’ve had so many people trying to use this method to avoid serious discussion/justify their own ignorance/justify their own inability to do something/justify their rudeness/or generally cop out of life. Look, if you suck at something, please have the guts to admit it, don’t say “I’m just being alternative” because there REALLY are alternative artists and you’re giving them a bad name by pretending to be one JUST BECAUSE you can’t do what you’re actually trying to do properly. “Who’s to say getting up onstage and vomiting on the microphone isn’t art? Maybe it’s alternative music/comedy/performance art?” By NO DEFINITION is vomiting any of those things.

While I’m at it, stating an opinion and proceeding to clarify it when someone does not understand is not “getting upset,” as you so put it. And you are also not superior to me because you “don’t like to get upset about things.” I don’t like to get upset about shit either, except there are frustrating people (like you for one) in the world.