Asskissers Anonymous

     Call them asskissers, brown noses, or suck-ups, we’ve all known them. We’ve all recognized them in their various ways of pretending in order to get ahead in the world. These incarnations of fakers may seem like the most innocuous, but their presence is noxious to me.

     In my experience, I’ve noticed that these people, in general, are much less likely to treat you like a human being if you have nothing to offer them. They’ll treat you like shit because, hey, you can’t pay them, you can’t fire them, you can’t put their names up in lights, so what do you matter? They are only interested in those who are in positions of some kind of power. Asskissers are the most likely to have weak personal relationships, as their energy is dedicated to faking friendships with “the power people.” You can recognize an asskisser by the way they disregard you when you have no power over them. They circle around the “alpha wolves” of their cliques, whether their clique exists in a job environment, or in another kind of social strata. Comedians suck up to promoters or more successful comedians, hoping to get booked for a show; musicians suck up to record executives hoping to land a deal; employees suck up to their bosses, hoping to get a raise; on and on, in every type of social circle.

     Asskissers see their actions as harmless, as their actions don’t cause obvious, immediate damage to those around them. It is my opinion, however, that asskissers may not be the worst plague in society, but their actions promote “fakeness” in general. If it “hurts no one,” as these asskissers claim and believe, then why should you tell the truth to someone’s face? Why can’t we just pretend to be everyone’s friend?

     This is a breach of trust, and once you know about it, it makes you suspicious. Maybe you’ve had an acquaintance who claimed to be your friend, who you were always kind to out of the goodness of your heart, only to find them talking shit about you behind your back. Maybe when you tried to approach them as a friend, they rebuked you. This is because you have nothing to offer them: Neither money, status or opportunity. You’re just a person, not a boss or patron. I have had this happen to me in devastating ways, multiple times, and has led to me being very distrustful of people, and has made me think twice about befriending anyone. How do I know they are sincere and won’t stab me in the back? The sad thing is, you don’t know until it is too late.

     Asskissers are basically shitting all over society. While they do not destroy it, they have promoted breaches of trust, and advertise this as the best way to get by in life. If you call them out on it, they’ll either deny it all together, or insist that their actions are harming no one. I can’t trust people like this. I’ve seen bosses ask their employees to spy on their own co-workers, and these employees not even question their actions before complying, even when they know it’s wrong. It may lift you up in the minds of your paranoid bosses, but you are breaching your co-worker’s trust. You may pretend to be a true friend to someone’s face, then tell someone else about all the person’s flaws, and mock them behind their back.

     It’s a vicious cycle of betrayal, suspicion and unbreakable walls being built. I have never gone back to trusting someone once I know they are a snake in the grass: It’s even worse, because all of the people who betrayed me, I approached in an earnest attempt to be a real friend. I have not found a solution to dealing with these people, other than avoiding them for life and ceasing my trust of most everyone around me. I don’t know how to convince these people that they are harming themselves, the people they suck up to, and all the people around them by behaving this way. They are self-centered, and always have themselves convinced that it’s a harmless action. They may even delude themselves into thinking that they do like the people they pretend to like: However, it is all a plastic facade, which gives off toxic fumes.

     Try your best not to inhale.

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