Eden H Reviews Spotify’s “Discover Weekly”

So, recently Spotify started doing “Discover Weekly,” wherein, each week, they create a playlist specially designed for you, based on your taste profile, what you listen to, you know, the like. Now, I am notoriously difficult to find new music for. I have broken many a well-meaning friend. But, being a devoted music lover (who has burnt herself out on everything she listens to), I opened my mind and gave it a go. Here’s a quick overview of what they had lined up for me:

MusicThatDoesntSuck

“Spellwork” by Austra – This was almost good, but was actually terrible. Taking influences from edgy, underground music and playing is to a dance beat is not a winning combination, people.

“Cool For Cats” by Squeeze – Spotify giving me Squeeze to listen to is just out of the fucking blue. Maybe they picked up that I love cats and thought I’d like the song on that principle? I don’t know.

“Mouth Breather” by The Jesus Lizard – Here’s how this song was written: “Brah, brah, listen to me shred, brah!” “Oh my god, brah! You’re shreddin’ it!” The end.

“Stars” by Hum – I appreciate your attempt to sound just like the Smashing Pumpkins, but it just didn’t work out, kids.

“Witch” by the bird and the bee – I understand, you’re going for that Goldfrapp/1930s Lounge Singer sound. OK. But these lyrics are TERRIBLE. Also, why does it seem like every time I click on a picture of an Alternative Music band, it’s one skinny dude with a bed head, and one skinny girl with Bettie Bangs? Maybe if you had more band members there would be more of a chance that one of them will stop you from sucking.

sad-hipster

“My Sister” by The Juliana Hatfield Three – I love my sister. I will not listen to your hate, Juliana.

“Promises” by Fugazi – This one makes sense. I like Fugazi in that way that someone who likes the Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat and Black Flag tends to like Fugazi.

“Under Your Skin” by Aesthetic Perfection – You know those friends who tell you, “Oh, you like this band? Then you should listen to this other band, they sound just like that band you like!” and they’re totally fucking wrong? Well, this is one of those. Someone, somewhere, equates this with Marilyn Manson, I’m sure. And they would be wrong.

“We Know Where You Sleep” by The Paper Chase – I don’t listen to rap. Unless someone hacked by account, I have never listened to rap on my Spotify. Why are you playing this for me, Spotify?

“I Luv the Valley of OH!” by Xiu Xiu – This is obviously Hipster music, but all the same, I’m very confused and have no clue if I like this or not. I’m a little bit scared and thinking about calling my friend for consolation now.

“Soma” by The Smashing Pumpkins – Everyone, including Spotify, is determined that I should listen to the Smashing Pumpkins. It’s officially a conspiracy.

“Icarus” by Jason Webley – Now, this one. I know why this one’s on here: It’s because I like Amanda Palmer and Amanda Palmer works with Jason Webley. Let me tell you a funny story about my first introduction to Jason Webley. In December 2010 or 2011, I went to see the Dresden Dolls. I knew nothing about who was opening for them, so when a random hipster got onstage and started testing the mic, I thought, “Okay, he’s a roadie.” So then this guy picks up a FUCKING ACCORDION and starts to sing, stomp, and play a sea shanty. And EVERYONE ELSE in the crowd KNOWS THE SONG and FUCKING SINGS ALONG. Somehow, I am the crazy person in this room for not knowing the words to this SEA SHANTY. A SEA SHANTY. I cannot stress that enough, A SEA SHANTY.

“Mental Hopscotch” by Missing Persons – So, according to Spotify, I either like super underground weird fucking shit, or the Most Mainstream Hits of the 80s?

“Halloween” by AFI – Look, I’m not a fan of The Misfits. But to allow AFI to cover one of their songs is just brutal.

“It’s Not” by Aimee Mann – Actually not bad. I’m guessing Spotify has picked up that I’m a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan (Maybe my playlist called “The Bronze Jukebox” tipped them off? Hmm…). However, every song I’ve heard from her has followed the same pattern: 1) Just an acoustic guitar, solemnly strummed, with sorrowful, understated vocals singing about some love lost. 2) Sweeping strings join in. 3) The drums pick things up, and the song moves into a sort of depressed jaunt. 4) Aimee Mann says something soul-crushingly pessimistic and you go cry yourself to sleep.

“60 Feet Tall” by The Dead Weather – Okay, I like The Dead Weather. I can dig this…

“Mistaken for Strangers” by The National – This is one of those songs that is so middle-of-the-road, so bland, that it is impossible to have any feelings about it whatsoever. It is a void that sucks in all your humanity and turns you into a lifeless, soulless robot-creature. It is neither good nor bad, which somehow makes it a lot worse. I listened hard to try and make out any lyrics, because I knew they were singing words of some kind, but it is IMPOSSIBLE to pay attention to what they are saying. It’s a non-song. It’s evil. It must be stopped. No, but seriously. Have you ever heard a song like that? It may be on the radio, and you heard it and thought, “Okay,” or you heard it on your friend’s iPod, and you could ask your friend about it, and they can’t really tell you anything about it, because THEY ALSO have no feelings about the song, or you heard it in the background of a party scene on your favorite TV show, and you thought, “Is this anybody good?” because it sounds kinda like it could be a band you listen to, and the next day you’re talking about the show with your friend, and you ask them “Hey what was that song playing during the party scene? It sounded familiar, like maybe Pearl Jam or Alice in Chains or Mother Love Bone,” but the answer is NO. NO, it’s not even Stone Temple Pilots! It’s some band that has one song on the radio. They’re basically just filler material for when our collective consciousness that controls the world runs out of unique ideas for bands, so they gave us THE NATIONAL.

It's true.

It’s true.

So that’s about the sum of it. This week? Spotify’s “Discover Weekly” gets about a 2/10. Like, it wasn’t all bands that I hated. Then I would be sure that Spotify was just fucking with me. Maybe next week it’ll be more accurate.

If you guys like this little review, just thumbs-up it, or whatever system WordPress has, or leave a comment and let me know. I might start doing this monthly, if there’s interest.

That’s all for now. Until next time, lie, cheat, steal, and blame it on the talking moose.

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